Normal Horoscope:

Aries: Today the power will go out and you will meet a horse assembled from pieces of other dead horses. His name is Ears and his favorite food is bagels.

Taurus: If you are going to mope, do it in a clocktower. Anybody can mope in a bed, you have the unique opportunity to mope in a clocktower.

Gemini: Rats are chatty if you know how to listen.

Cancer: Careful not to become consumed by the things you struggle with, it is easy to mistake the work for the reward.

Leo: Protect it with your life. Protect it so hard it is etched into your mind and even if you lose it youll still shamble about protecting it.

Virgo: The worst is yet to come. The best is yet to come. Don’t get too attached to your current skin.

Libra: No doors are locked for a white person with a clip board. If you cant provide either of these a confident walk can do wonders.

Scorpio: Skill is less valuable than people like to imagine it is. Its all a matter of legally owning the right people.

Ophiuchus: You’re bleeding.

Sagittarius: You arent lost youre alive. Growth can only happen outside your comfort zone.

Capricorn: You will have a unique opportunity to become an art thief this weekend.

Aquarius: Your prayer for inspiration will be answered in the form of making the best damn sandwich youve ever made. Cheers to getting around the wrong art block.

Pisces: Golem Baseball.

Source: normal-horoscopes